What is it that makes some people live in your mind forever, while others fade as if they were never there?

Ahmed was my youth. My first husband, father of Sophia, and the first half of my life.

6 years ago I remember desperately wishing it was now.

At the time, I reasoned that 6 years would be enough time to not feel crazy every moment of each day…To not feel the deep knife wound of grief in my heart each agonizing second.

I wondered if I would ever sleep again, but reasoned I might in 5 or 6 years.

I had to think ahead because I couldn’t be present. His untimely death was too painful. The grief had me feeling crazy

I’ve grieved many losses, but never like this one. It was confusing. I was Happily remarried, living a new life, then suddenly mourning my past.

Six years is the longest time, and no time at all.

-BUT-

His death was not just grief and pain. Eventually it brought me life in ways I could never have anticipated.

-After traveling to France for his final days, I was reminded of my sense of wonder and how much I need to be in the world. so I have been.

-I’m more aware of my temporary existence, and try to live without fear.

-My beloved sister in law Imane came back to me. And with her came the nephews that I adore.

Last year they moved half way across the world to live a mile away from us.

I get to spend the second half of my life watching these beautiful boys grow up.

-Sophia’s grandma Jamaa visits from Morocco for a couple months of the year.

So many good things have come from such a horrible moment.

I think Ahmed would be pleased.